The Atonal Advocate #272

Today is my son’s fourth birthday. I got to see him on Facetime and we spent about forty minutes together. I would have given anything to be with him in person, but what I have to give isn’t enough. His family has made it impossible, at this point.

I try very hard, every day, to pretend that I’m not frustrated, worried, angry, sad, and full of self-pity, and sometimes, I’m not pretending, but a lot of the time, I am, and today is one of those days where I have to admit it all: I’m a mess.

I often don’t know how to accept a world where people can do really mean things to other people, that are actually against the law, and get away with it, but when I internally complain, my mind replies, “Get in line, buddy. Over there, at the back.”

Because many, many people do things that aren’t heartfelt, and while I want to say I’m not one of them, so I don’t deserve this, when I examine my life with scathing honesty, I can find plenty of times wherein I don’t act in accordance to my heart.

I cut off cars to get ahead, I pass beggars and pretend I can’t hear them, I argue with my friends and family members when they stress me out (or when I’m stressed) and I have moments when I know I’m being difficult, yet I continue to be difficult.

I can’t go back in time and not have a son with someone I can’t trust, but even if I could, watching my boy smile and sing with me today was somehow worth it. I just don’t know how to deal with all the love I have, when the recipient is rarely around.

I didn’t want to write today, since I knew I couldn’t write about anything but this. It’s too difficult to write after trying, and failing, to process how much my son means to me, and how little I mean to his side of the family that withholds him from me.

I have tried everything I can think of to get a foot in the door with my ex-in-laws, but nothing works. I tried using the law, I tried using reason, I tried using my heart, and I even tried praying. I guess sometimes, you just have to let the Universe do its thing.

Writing this helps. It helps to be honest about the scars and wounds I face in my own life, just like it helps to hear others express their heart space. I also know that in the long run, I am making good decisions, and life seems to work out in hindsight.

As a Jew I find it non-ironic that in our calendar, we are in a period of atonement. The New Year has come, so we atone for ten days. This year I atone for whatever I did to wind up estranged from my son. Mea Culpa. I willingly yield to love. I’m in!

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3 thoughts on “The Atonal Advocate #272

  1. how brave of you to write today and share with us your inner most feelings..I embrace you Michael and hope that in the near future you will be sharing Tyler’s love in person…In the meantime, Ralph and I wish Tyler a wonderful year to come which we hope will includes a journey across the sea to his father💕☺️😎

    Like

  2. Oh Mike, I wanna cry, he looks so beautiful. Sweet, sweet boy, Tyler. We miss you little friend.
    Love the Salmons, Lucia, Olivia & Jon

    Like

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