Today is my son’s fourth birthday. I got to see him on Facetime and we spent about forty minutes together. I would have given anything to be with him in person, but what I have to give isn’t enough. His family has made it impossible, at this point.
I try very hard, every day, to pretend that I’m not frustrated, worried, angry, sad, and full of self-pity, and sometimes, I’m not pretending, but a lot of the time, I am, and today is one of those days where I have to admit it all: I’m a mess.
I often don’t know how to accept a world where people can do really mean things to other people, that are actually against the law, and get away with it, but when I internally complain, my mind replies, “Get in line, buddy. Over there, at the back.”
Because many, many people do things that aren’t heartfelt, and while I want to say I’m not one of them, so I don’t deserve this, when I examine my life with scathing honesty, I can find plenty of times wherein I don’t act in accordance to my heart.
I cut off cars to get ahead, I pass beggars and pretend I can’t hear them, I argue with my friends and family members when they stress me out (or when I’m stressed) and I have moments when I know I’m being difficult, yet I continue to be difficult.
I can’t go back in time and not have a son with someone I can’t trust, but even if I could, watching my boy smile and sing with me today was somehow worth it. I just don’t know how to deal with all the love I have, when the recipient is rarely around.
I didn’t want to write today, since I knew I couldn’t write about anything but this. It’s too difficult to write after trying, and failing, to process how much my son means to me, and how little I mean to his side of the family that withholds him from me.
I have tried everything I can think of to get a foot in the door with my ex-in-laws, but nothing works. I tried using the law, I tried using reason, I tried using my heart, and I even tried praying. I guess sometimes, you just have to let the Universe do its thing.
Writing this helps. It helps to be honest about the scars and wounds I face in my own life, just like it helps to hear others express their heart space. I also know that in the long run, I am making good decisions, and life seems to work out in hindsight.
As a Jew I find it non-ironic that in our calendar, we are in a period of atonement. The New Year has come, so we atone for ten days. This year I atone for whatever I did to wind up estranged from my son. Mea Culpa. I willingly yield to love. I’m in!